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Post by Fugazi on Aug 22, 2019 19:11:27 GMT -8
Okay...I have to remember not to look at this thread when I’m trying to balance a drink and a cigar while standing on the beach. Took me a couple of minutes to stop choking/laughing. I didn’t spill my drink or drop the cigar though  Balance must be maintained |
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Post by Fugazi on Aug 23, 2019 14:20:50 GMT -8
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Post by redbeard on Aug 26, 2019 8:56:05 GMT -8
Safe at Home...
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
I purchased the ISIS black flag (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving the $69.95 a month ADT charged me.
I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.
Hot Damn...Safe at last.
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Post by Fugazi on Aug 26, 2019 9:05:01 GMT -8
Safe at Home... I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. I purchased the ISIS black flag (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole. Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving the $69.95 a month ADT charged me. I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way, and security can't pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today. Hot Damn...Safe at last. LMAO, now that's funny |
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Post by Fugazi on Aug 27, 2019 8:35:31 GMT -8
An Obituary printed in the London Times.....Absolutely Dead Brilliant!!
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn)and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 5 stepchildren;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone
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Post by Fugazi on Aug 27, 2019 10:52:31 GMT -8
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Post by sjsharks59 on Aug 27, 2019 14:28:55 GMT -8
It was Kamala Harris farting after a WILD Night with Willie Brown the little kid heard |
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Post by Fugazi on Aug 27, 2019 14:39:55 GMT -8
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Post by redbeard on Aug 27, 2019 16:46:08 GMT -8
It was Kamala Harris farting after a WILD Night with Willie Brown the little kid heard Queefs not farts! Well...unless Willie went backdoor. We still might need a judge's ruling on that... |
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Post by redbeard on Aug 27, 2019 16:47:35 GMT -8
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Post by redbeard on Aug 28, 2019 5:07:39 GMT -8
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Post by Fugazi on Aug 28, 2019 14:34:59 GMT -8
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Post by Fugazi on Aug 28, 2019 20:37:21 GMT -8
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Post by sjsharks59 on Aug 29, 2019 11:07:59 GMT -8
It was Kamala Harris farting after a WILD Night with Willie Brown the little kid heard Queefs not farts! Well...unless Willie went backdoor. We still might need a judge's ruling on that... Willie "Backdoor" Brown, Just ask the Slick Gov. Gavin Newsom. How do you think all these people get their job's |
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Post by Fugazi on Aug 29, 2019 11:21:00 GMT -8
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Post by Fugazi on Aug 30, 2019 13:04:21 GMT -8
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Post by Fugazi on Aug 31, 2019 12:12:09 GMT -8
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Post by Badger on Aug 31, 2019 14:14:08 GMT -8
Tesla is helping owners who are in hurricane Dorian’s path by enabling more range on some vehicles for free, giving free Supercharging and enabling Powerwall’s ‘storm watch’ feature. That’s happening while people are leaving their gas-powered cars at gas stations because they are running out of fuel. Hurricane Dorian spun west across the Atlantic ocean and it is on its way to the east coast of the US in the next few days. It grew into an even stronger Category 4 storm and it is expected to make significant damages on its path. People living on the east coast of Florida, Georgia, South Carolina and North Carolina have been preparing for it and rushing to get supplies. CNN reports that many gas stations are running out of gas and people are living their vehicles at gas stations: “Miami resident Marion Wilkinson Scott told CNN on Friday he saw 12 cars that were left Thursday night at a Chevron on 152nd Street, five at a Mobile station in the Hammocks and two at another Chevron across from his house.” Tesla vehicle and Powerwall owners don’t have the same problem. Last year, Tesla added a new ‘Storm Watch’ feature to Powerwall in order to detect storms and prepare by storing energy in case of power outages. Tesla described the new feature: “When a storm or severe weather is on the horizon, increasing the likelihood of a utility power outage, Powerwall triggers Storm Watch. This mode automatically charges Powerwall to maximum capacity so it can provide backup power. The Tesla app notifies customers that Powerwall has activated Storm Watch. The mode remains active until the weather event ends, at which time the system returns to its previously selected mode. It is possible to disable this mode by going to the Tesla app, selecting ‘Customize’ and then ‘Storm Watch.’” |
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Post by Fugazi on Sept 4, 2019 14:32:07 GMT -8
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Post by sjsharks59 on Sept 4, 2019 14:49:44 GMT -8
Uncle Willie Brown's sausage |
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Post by Fugazi on Sept 6, 2019 11:55:13 GMT -8
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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Post by Fugazi on Sept 9, 2019 14:14:55 GMT -8
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Post by Fugazi on Sept 10, 2019 9:38:00 GMT -8
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Post by Fugazi on Sept 10, 2019 12:41:46 GMT -8
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Bernie Sanders stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!
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Post by Fugazi on Sept 10, 2019 14:24:58 GMT -8
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Post by Fugazi on Sept 11, 2019 12:12:41 GMT -8
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Post by cjelli on Sept 11, 2019 12:18:49 GMT -8
That's what a lot of software engineering departments in the Silicon Valley look like these days:
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Post by cjelli on Sept 12, 2019 10:30:47 GMT -8
Chuck Norris tore a page out of Facebook.
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Post by Fugazi on Sept 13, 2019 18:08:24 GMT -8
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Post by Fugazi on Sept 14, 2019 9:50:50 GMT -8
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